Dear Reader, 

These past few years, writing has been difficult for me. Knowing that people are reading these words fills me with anxiety, and so I place great expectations on each word and sentence before I even write them — which usually paralyzes me and leads to staring at a blank page the night before publication. But this month is an experiment; I am freeing this letter from the burden of greatness and just writing whatever comes to mind. Bear with me, dear Reader. 

Each month, I lament the fact that time has flown by so fast, but paradoxically, it has felt like forever. Perhaps KAIST exists in its own time bubble where both these things can happen simultaneously. Especially in the weeks leading up to midterms, it feels as though time stops moving logically. Suddenly, we’re halfway through the semester and are expected to cram two months’ worth of lectures in four to five different subjects in our heads, for exams that make up 30-50% of our total grades. 

In the chaos and stress that envelop the week before midterms, it seems like nothing else matters in the world except my upcoming exams. But most days, I cannot bring myself to have that single-minded focus. I get distracted and demotivated, resting and procrastinating when I get tired of studying, and blaming myself for not using that time to study afterward. At the same time, I guiltily question this mindset of shutting out the world outside my studies. Why am I spending this much time studying for exams that probably won’t even matter a year from now, when there are friends and family I neglect to reply to, who might be going through so much more than I am? This then leads to a full-blown existential crisis. (As I write this letter, I am low-key panicking about my midterm exam tomorrow and regretting my life decisions).

As I was spiraling into a darker ending to this letter, my sister shared these words of wisdom with me: “put the everyday tasks in the context of a bigger picture”. When she was going through the same struggles in college, to find the motivation to keep studying, she’d think of the seemingly pointless task as something that will contribute to her growth as a person in some way. I’d always thought of exams as rather pointless, since I would probably never have to answer questions from memory and within a strict time limit in the future. Some of the anxiety also comes from a fear of failing. But maybe with each exam that I get through, I gain something more than just the knowledge about the subject (that I would probably forget soon after) — even though it doesn’t feel like it at the time. With every YouTube tab that I close, I learn to be a little more focused and organized. With every late night of studying, I learn to persevere in the face of adversity. And with every failure, I learn to be a little more resilient. 

The worst exam period I went through was last December. It was the first time I missed a final exam — not for lack of preparation and planning, but because I had six finals and it somehow didn’t register that one of them was being held a week before the official exam week. I wasn’t allowed to retake or make up for it. I can talk about it now, but when I was going through it, it felt like the end of the world. I struggled to accept that failure and barely managed to get through the rest of that semester. But here I am, a little more cautious about rechecking my exam dates, but otherwise still okay. That single “failure” did not doom my life, nor did it scar me in any permanent way. If anything, it ultimately made me a better student. 

This is a letter to every student stressing about exams, to every person struggling with going to work each day, and to anyone trying to find meaning in the everyday tasks. Whenever you feel like you can’t get through another day of studying or working, practice changing your mindset to find the bigger picture of why you are doing this and how it can contribute to you in the future. Don’t let yourself become paralyzed by the fear of failing, because even in the worst case that you do, you can still learn from the experience. It’s hard in practice, I know, but once you think about it in this light, it’s easier to find the strength to go on. 

Jaymee Palma

Editor-in-Chief