On September 29, I participated in a book talk by Jeong You Jeong held by the KAIST library. She came to talk about her newest book, The Complete Happiness, which is about a narcissist driving everyone around her into misery for her own happiness. In relation to the book, Jeong talked about psychological disorders like malignant narcissism and about happiness. She ended her talk by mentioning how she believes one must ultimately accept both misfortune and unhappiness to be truly happy, and this got me thinking about my own pursuit of happiness.

During my time as a peer counselor soldier in the military, I learned one neat trick that’s useful in figuring out emotions. Write down your expectations and compare them to reality; the discrepancy between the two is the source of the emotion. It’s a simple yet effective trick, so I still use it when I want to know why I feel the way I do. For instance, if I expected to work on my assignment, but in reality I haven’t started, I feel disappointed in myself with a hint of anger for wasting time. Higher expectations with lower outcomes result in negative emotions like sadness, anger, and disappointment. Meanwhile, the opposite results in more positive emotions like excitement, surprise, and most importantly, happiness. This is where the dilemma begins.

I want to be happy — who doesn’t? I also have high expectations for myself and I am sort of a dreamer. I have ideals and hope the world is just as I imagine — but I know it’s not, and neither am I. That isn’t a good combination for happiness. Reality does not meet my expectations, and every time I’m reminded of this, I feel the same disappointment, melancholy, and despair. All because I refuse to lower my expectations. It would all be easier if I lower my expectations and let them fit reality better, but in doing this, will I truly be happy?

The theory works: my expectations will be lower and thus align with reality better, so I will feel more positive emotions. But the question is, do I want my expectations to be lower? My expectations give me pride whenever I am able to meet my goals. My expectations give me hope that the world isn’t a dumpster (on fire) filled with idiots. Lowering my expectations would be betraying myself — I do not want to feel that seemingly meaningless happiness if it is at the cost of my pride and hope. So, I found a compromise.

The constant reminder of how high my expectations are — thanks to the years in KAIST and the very random, weird, and dumb people in the military — made me feel depressed uncountable times. I was the best at math in my high school and was really good with the required courses in my first year in KAIST; those results got to my head and I thought I could do the same in the math major classes. I failed miserably. My time at KAIST raised my expectations for the people around me, and when I entered the military where I met all sorts of people — mostly bigots and idiots — it made me question how society could let these people be the way they are. So, I changed my expectations. They were not lower, but different. “I am smart and can easily ace KAIST courses” became “I am smart on a high school level and can easily ace required courses.” “Everyone meets a certain standard” became “Everyone has their own standards.” The addition of these small extra details, so obvious that I “knew” yet did not fully grasp, changed how I saw myself and the people around me. I could see which areas I needed to work on to succeed in my studies. I also realized no matter how prejudiced and simple-minded a person may be, that person can also have some redeeming qualities.

After all, expectation is not a linear spectrum. “I can do this” may be linear, but with each extra detail and variables like “how” and “when”, expectations become more abstract, more multidimensional — and that does not necessarily mean a lower expectation. Throughout my life, my expectations will constantly be a source of disappointment and despair. But every time that happens, I’ll add more details and change my expectations without giving up my pride and hope. I will feel negative emotions from time to time, again and again, but I know at the end of the road, there will be the “happiness” I find. This is my pursuit of happiness — not just any simple happiness but true happiness.