Google the word “self-care”, and you’ll most likely find articles about the five self-care habits you need, or how sleep and exercise are essential, or capitalist suggestions of buying “self-care kits”. Especially in the past year, more and more people are looking to self-care techniques to help cope with the stresses of the pandemic. Although (mostly) well-meaning, the emerging self-care “craze” online and in mainstream media has made the concept even more elusive. 

Since I started feeling burnt out, I have been trying to create self-care routines for myself. I fixed my sleep schedule, waking up at 8 a.m. each day. I brewed my own coffee in the mornings, enjoying those small moments of peace before the day starts. I tried embroidery to clear my mind whenever I felt too anxious, the repetitions calming me. With the idea that these activities would replenish my energy, I set aside time each day just doing something that I enjoyed. And they did help — but for only two months. These days, that cup of morning coffee never materializes, as my still dirty coffee grinder sits abandoned on my table, silently judging as I snooze my third alarm. 

As the end of the year (and of my undergrad life) draws near, I’ve been struggling just to keep up with all my deadlines, with the anxiety of what I’ll do after I graduate constantly keeping me up at night. All this stress has left me drained of motivation and energy. I have not written in my journal for weeks, nor have I kept up with my hobbies. My meditation app keeps reminding me that “it’s been a while”. I know deep down that meditation, waking up early, and all those self-care habits will make me feel better — but I cannot muster the energy to do any of them, so then I feel bad that I am slipping back into old, unhealthy habits, and I feel even less motivation. And so the cycle goes. 

I am still not okay. I still get stuck in thinking traps, and I still cannot keep up the healthy habits I’ve learned. There is a feeling of shame that comes with admitting this in writing. It feels like I should be better — it’s been months since I started my medication and therapy, and I’ve learned a lot already. Some days I ask myself why I am still struggling. Why do I still stumble when I know the self-care habits that I have to do to get better? Why are there days that I cannot muster the energy to do anything, when everyone else around me seems to be doing just fine? 

But you are doing your best. There are things that I learned in therapy that are helping me deal with these thoughts. And so, I write them here for myself and for you. 

Progress is never linear — especially when it comes to mental health. It takes time to unlearn bad habits and replace them with healthier ones, and it’s okay to go one step at a time. After all, three steps forward and two steps back still gives you more than when you started. And, perhaps most importantly, there is no perfect formula for self-care and mental health. You don’t have to wake up early each morning or meditate everyday if it doesn’t feel right for you. Self-care habits can change each day to match your energy level. Maybe some days self-care looks like exercising early in the morning, other days it’s just taking five deep breaths. Define a routine that feels right for you, and not one defined by external trends or 30-day challenges. You are allowed to start small and to stumble once in a while. And I promise you, everyone has their own struggles — it’s not just you. 

Reflecting on these challenges here with you is difficult for me. It’s something that I am still trying to reconcile with, and there are days that are more challenging than others. But here I am, learning to appreciate the “self” in self-care.