I have always been the type of person who likes to have a plan, and backup plans, and backups to those backup plans. My impending state of unemployment, that uncertain time between graduation and graduate school or employment, is bringing up overwhelming feelings of anxiety. It’s making it difficult to concentrate, and so I find myself turning to meditation as a way of coping. 

I did not always like the practice of meditation. I viewed it as pointless, never getting through ten minutes of breathing in and breathing out without becoming impatient or distracted. I thought, I am breathing as I do my work anyways, what good will it bring me? In hindsight, it was my way of avoiding the racing thoughts and uncomfortable feelings that come with the silence. But as I tried meditation apps and guided meditations with my therapist, I found myself needing that time to just breathe when everything gets so overwhelming.

The science behind meditation is now becoming clear. Focusing on the breath, which is usually part of meditation and mindfulness practices, gives us an increased ability to focus and lowers our stress levels. What started as a Buddhist practice is now being used around the world — from therapy sessions, to focusing for performance, or simply for taking a break. One meditation practice I often use to deal with my anxiety about things I have no control over is the RAIN meditation practice by Tara Brach. RAIN, which stands for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture, allows you to realize that the only thing we have in control is the present moment. If it’s hard to change the situation, it’s more helpful to give yourself the compassion you need to get through it rather than fighting your emotions. 

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Recognize: think of a place of difficulty that’s bringing up challenging emotions, a situation you’d like to find more balance in the midst of. What comes after graduation? I should be excited to graduate, to finally put the four most difficult years of my life behind me — but it’s instead bringing up feelings of uncertainty and anxiety. My whole life, I’ve had routines and exams and deadlines, but now, there’s no more structure to follow. I’m expected to know what to do next — get a job, or go to graduate school. I’m choosing the latter because honestly, I don’t feel ready for the real world yet. But what if I don’t get accepted into graduate school? I don’t like feeling this anxious and unbalanced, like there’s nothing to catch me this time if I fall. 

Allow: just pause and make space for yourself. You don’t have to like the situation, but acknowledge that this is the life of the moment — just let it be there. This is the situation I’m in right now. I know it’s uncomfortable, but these feelings are not permanent. There’s a lot of anxiety surrounding the future, and right now, there’s nothing I can do but wait — wait for my grad school admissions results, for some certainty in this chaos. It’s okay to become overwhelmed, it really is a difficult situation. 

Investigate: what’s the most difficult part of this situation? Think about what you are believing in in this situation, and how it’s manifesting in your body. The most difficult part of the wait is the inevitable rejection that will come. I won’t get accepted everywhere that I applied to; that’s just a fact of life. What’s most scary is the thought that every place might reject me, that they will see the inadequacies I see in myself and decide that I am not fit for science and graduate school. Because of this feeling, there’s always this sense of urgency, that I have to rush to get more experience, more proof that I am worthy of acceptance. At the same time, my mind is racing to come up with backup plans — maybe an internship, or a job? But what if those places judge me to be unqualified, too? At this moment, my throat feels tight — I am drowning in uncertainty and insecurity, that I am not good enough, and that every person who will judge my qualifications will see that, too.  

Nurture: create a kinder space for yourself. Respond to this place inside you that’s most vulnerable right now. I have done all that I can. The last four years have culminated in a stronger person, someone who can handle whatever comes her way. Surely she’ll know what to do, whatever situation might arise. And it’s not true that I am not qualified for anything — it’s just a matter of finding a place for myself in the real world, or even creating a new one that does not limit me. Having confidence in myself is valid, because I have worked hard to get to this point in my life. Where I am now is a result of a million other decisions, and I am grateful for each and every one of them. 

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Meditating on the page with you like this was difficult, but it reminded me that it’s okay to have anxiety, sadness, or any difficult feelings about how the world around me is. What’s important is that you realize that these difficult thoughts and feelings do not define you. They come and go — let them pass through, until they release and wash away like the rain.

Now that I’m about to graduate, I still have a lot of uncertainties and doubts. But what I do know is that I will get through this difficult transition and come out better on the other side, just as how I started this mental health journey with you. For all our struggles, failures, and uncertainty, always remember that you are not alone. At the very least, these words will always be here for you, no matter where you might be in your journey.